My Final Words on the Subject - Part IV (Wheelbarrow Full of Shit)

I grew up on a dairy farm so I am used to the smell of cow manure. In some ways, that smell is kind of comforting (disgusting but true), knowing it is the "stuff of life" for crops and even the flowers and grass in your yard, if you do not mind a few unsightly pies. The smell of pig shit, on the other hand, is completely unacceptable, assailing my defenseless olfactory and further punishing it - and me - when "normal" smells (including the aforementioned cow pies) would have diminished in their ability to make me uncomfortable.

The Presidential elections process in the United States of America is the political equivalent of pig shit and at this point in the game, I have been brought to my knees by the smell, blinded and writhing in pain and terror. Any day now I should begin foaming at the mouth and seizing.

I started this "post" a while back, to get off my chest once and for all and make this TRULY "my final words on the subject," about how disgusted I am by the system in general and the 2008 race in particular. However, the current crop of steaming piles this year just keep adding more fuel to my fire, my ventilation systems now in overdrive and with an EXCEPTIONALLY uncomfortable sniffing organ, so this is now the fourth installment of a post that otherwise would have run about 35 pages had I had not kept hitting the "publish" button.

I was going to go off on another rant about the Electoral College and the purely asinine premise on which it was founded yet somehow still continues (we are obviously not very bright, we Americans, the reason why the EC was established in the first place and a sad fact we make glaringly evident every election cycle by allowing things to go on and on, like ignoring problems might really make them go away). Instead, I got the following little treat, which happens to fit perfectly with the post's subtitle (except maybe it is NOT just a wheelbarrow full but a whole fleet of Mack trucks full) and must have been immensely clairvoyant on my part since I started this installment WITH THE TITLE a couple of days ago and didn't see this until today.

OK, here's what happened. In my Google reader I see this post about and played this video:

Almost immediately I started laughing and the longer I listened, the harder I laughed. We are talking a bonafide Depends Moment here, folks. After I watched it, I started it again and the phone rang: My dad, who cannot stand Dummycraps just on principle (he rags on me about "my friend Granwhore," even though he knows I never voted for the Beast - you totally gotta read that link, it is hilarious!), and I was laughing so hard I could barely talk. After watching it a third time, wiping a few tears of mirth from my eyes, I had an epiphany: I will TRANSCRIBE it (I was too lazy to look and see if there was already a transcript out there, and I know my work is better, anyhow) and share it [ALONG WITH MY COMMENTS]:

I am Pastor James David Manning of ATLAH World Ministries, here today with an urgent message to Senator Hillary Clinton. As the 2008 primary season has ended, you, without a doubt, Senator Clinton, have won the nomination for the Presidency of the Democratic Party. [She was only running for Party President? I thought she was running for POTUS. My bad.] Yours has been the most impressive run for the Presidency in the long and glorious history of this nation. [My dictionary's definition of "impressive" is different than his, I guess, and TECHNICALLY she was only running to become the Party's NOMINEE for President.] You have demonstrated the courage of Benazir Bhutto, the wisdom and poise of Cleopatra, and the leadership strength of Deborah of the Old Testament. [This is where I started rolling on the floor.]

While I am not a supporter of you or your husband, I must bow in humble adoration of your place in world history as a champion of champions [Give her a box of Wheaties, not the key to the Oval Office, for pity's sake] and a fierce competitor for the same reverence that we give George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Winston Churchill. [He actually used her name in the same sentence- the same CATEGORY - and accords the same REVERENCE as to Abraham Lincoln? GOTTA be on crack.] You have won the nomination, taking on and defeating not only your opponent, Barack Hussein Obama, but also this nation's liberal media and the whole of the African-American people, who turned on you with a rabid vengeance. [Ever hear of "karma," dude? She's got lots of the BAD kind coming her way, and black "rabid vengeance" will be a tickle under the chin in comparison.]

Through it all, you have won more votes than any person in American primary history [Is that based on official documentation or just because Hillary said so? While that TECHNICALLY is true, it is not the ENTIRE truth as Obama has ALSO achieved that status] and but for the outright denial of the will of the people by the Democratic Party since January and the Rules Committee on Saturday [Dude, she HERSELF agreed to the deliberate disenfranchisement of Michigan and Florida voters, in the political equivalent of a drive-by blow-job on the voters of New Hampshire], you would have won the pledged vote. [I am no whiz at math, but.... If Obama had received ZERO Michigan delegates and Clinton the 4 "hijacked" votes, his total would have been 1704 pledged delegates versus her 1644. Clinton math, much?] Your own party openly campaigned against you, and the election has been hijacked. Because the polls show that you can beat John McCain in a landslide [Again, my dictionary is different; most recent polls had her at only about a 3-point advantage over McCain - I hardly think that qualifies as a "landslide," after calculating in margin of error], I will now from this day forward refer to you as Madame President, first woman to do so in America, and congratulations.

Now, Madame President. . . Madame President . . . I have information from a reliable source that will demonstrate the low moral character, the continuous poor judgment and the unprecedented dishonesty of Senator Barack Hussein Obama. [A politician that DOESN'T? Anybody? Hello? I didn't think so.] Many of your supporters are asking me to release that information forthwith in order to overturn the Democratic Party's choice for President. I was prepared to do such at the opportune time, but since the most grievous and criminal way in which the Democratic Party has acted by suppressing the will of the American people and stealing in broad daylight the nomination [more rolling on the floor- they do it because WE LET THEM DO IT], I cannot in good conscience help them as a party gain back the White House. [Translation: I'm gonna help ensure it's a Republican.] Helping you as a Democrat would turn this nation into the hands of constitutional criminals and reward the most vile group of political leaders with the sovereign will of this great nation. [We lost that with the Patriot Act, flushing habeas corpus down the toilet, and it is only President Bush's to reward anyone with, starting with himself.] However, as a lover of truth and justice, I am at your service. Senator Obama cannot win the White House without your help. After you have been trashed by the Americans, the African-Americans, and hated by your own party, they will now come and ask you to give your support to Obama, and by using your power, to defeat senator John McCain. It is at this time that I humbly ask you align your great leadership skills with the Independent Party and continue your campaign as such. [Modern American Civics 101: The Electoral Collect will NOT put an Independent in the White House.] Once your campaign is underway, I will serve the American people in whatever honorable way necessary to assist your election to the office of Presidency of the United States. [His dictionary's definition of "honorable" means perpetuating hatred and continuation of politics as usual?]

If I may say one thing further to your supporters, that one thing would be, they should boycott the CNN network until the 2nd of January of the year 2009 for the biased, godless, and tyrannical way they swayed public opinion against you [CNN forced people to watch?], our Constitutional rights [Show me one place in the Constitution that guarantees your right to vote, buddy] and the high privilege to be proud Americans where every vote affords all an equal voice in the pursuit of happiness in this great and enduring land [Again, show me one place in the Constitution that guarantees your right to vote in a PRIMARY] .

Peace be unto you, Senator. . . Madame President Clinton. I remain, Pastor James David Manning.

OK, now I need to go change my pants, because I think I wet myself from laughing again.